Looking Into the Mirror

We were children when you were brought to me.

My father said you would teach me life lessons. You were low-born and I was a princess. I was uninterested, aloof. I said you were lucky to have been chosen. You weren’t afraid to speak to me as an equal. You were amused. You said you could tell that I liked you, and laughed at my denial. I felt confused. Becoming my constant companion, you saw me as a person, not someone royal. You became my maid and slowly my heart softened.

I looked to you for distraction. You said the future was a faraway place and told me to make the most of every day. And we did! You encouraged me to abandon my duties. You told me to ignore the guilt. You made me feel special, giddy with excitement. They came looking for us as we giggled in the gardens. We rode white harts into forests that were dark with magic. We hid in the castle while they searched for us in the town. You enjoyed frustrating them. My body shivered with recklessness. You told me it was my right. You made me feel empowered.

You said I had been spoiled. I didn’t deny it. You tolerated my arrogance and my appreciation of the finer things. You watched me preen. You made me believe you admired me. I loved being adored. Slowly I relaxed into my confidence. I felt as though I could be anyone with you. I believed your judgement had disappeared. My dreams became yours. You became my confidante as we grew into young women. My whole being settled into a rhythm we’d created. It shaped my day. Our lives were one, our thoughts merged. Our actions aligned. I had never felt a connection like it. It seemed as natural as breathing. I accepted it all as our truth.

When my father died everything changed. I clung to you in my grief. You clung to me as everyone questioned our friendship. You soothed me as the weight of responsibility lay heavy on me. Too heavily for the fragility I felt consuming my body. My world had shifted. You said we wouldn’t change. I couldn’t respond in the way you needed me to. You offered to leave at the end of the mourning period. But you were embedded in my heart and had become my anchor. The thought of not being with you placed a fear in me. I couldn’t lose you. So, I ignored the sense of duty that shouted inside me. I silenced the gossips with my authority. You were silenced by my control. You sobbed when you thanked me. You made me strong enough to carry on and gave me hope.

I raised you to Queen’s dresser. The highest honour I could bestow. You wept with joy. I swelled with satisfaction. You took me in your arms and said you would be with me day and night. My heart shuddered a little. I ignored it. But you felt the shiver. You thought it was happiness.

You started to wear fine clothes and shoes, saying the position warranted it. We laughed at one another as we spun around in our finery. The best gowns, the prettiest shoes, the highest hair, the reddest lips. You accepted my gifts of jewellery, yet rolled your eyes when I gazed at myself in as many mirrors as I could find. You said I looked beautiful. I didn’t need a mirror to know that. It was my obsession.

The judgements of the court continued, despite my reprimands. You raged as they made fun of you. As a child they had tolerated you. As a woman they despised you. You said I would stop them if I cared. My heart ached with your pain. You hugged me when I admonished them. Yet still you heard the whispers.

Why didn’t I act now my father was gone?

What did I see in you?

You weren’t welcome anymore.

My heart was ashamed for them.

They pleaded with me to banish you. You begged me not to send you away. You got your wish; that first time.