I Would Ruin Kingdoms For You

You entered my frozen kingdom, lost, broken and desperate. Your kin had been murdered. I felt nothing. No sympathy. No pity. You and your companions needed a refuge. Somewhere to pause your journey and recover. My home was your haven. You held my eye as you spoke and something deep inside of me stirred. I felt it burst alive. You should have feared me, but you were brave. You asked me for help. You got what you requested. You got things you didn’t. To me you were an answer. A missing part of a life I had never dared to name. You would make me whole. You would complete me.

You told me your stay would be fleeting. You made me desperate for your company. Desperate for your approval. I wanted you to stay forever. You were the sunlight falling across ice. A warmth I had never felt before. I had ruled domains and commanded armies. I’d decided the fate of men who quaked at my name. You made me turn my back on that version of myself. You called me a king of war. Before changing me into someone I didn’t recognise. Someone I embraced. You gave me infinite hope. My heart should have known you as my adversary, my nemesis. Your presence filled it with a love that had little room for hatred. You spoke to me as an equal. You ignored the glances from my advisors. I felt amused when you challenged my authority. You were secure in the knowledge that I would have handed everything I had to you. In a heartbeat. You only had to ask. You never did. You said I could be something better. You believed I could change. So did I.

I fell in love. I thought you felt the same. You led my heart along an unknown path. But you weren’t there at the end. You weren’t waiting for me. You destroyed my armour, piece by piece. Honour, duty, and my pride was cast aside. You saw the man beneath. I crumbled like old stone in castle walls. But it wasn’t enough for you. The fury and hurt that rose in me as a result wouldn’t be quelled. You couldn’t make me understand that we could never be. However hard you tried. You didn’t see the hole that started to rip in my soul as I yearned for you. The more I wanted you, the more you pulled away. You had made me long for a dream that troubled my mind. Day and night. You stripped back my emotions until I felt nothing but raw desire. It burned in my chest. You out-manoeuvred and out-witted me; a warrior, a king, a man of duty. My heart needed you to stay. But you were a shimmering vision on a warm horizon, always just out of my reach.

I asked you to live with me in my home of cavernous halls and silver forests. You said your warmth and softness would ebb away in their chill. You had wanted safety, nothing more. You caused me to gasp at your words. I said I would change. Show you proof of my love, my devotion. I would become the warmth you craved. You listened to me as I bared my soul. You laughed when I talked of the fresh green shoots I felt in my heart. You shook your head when I told you about wanting to feel something new. You recoiled when I said I needed you to sustain me. Give me life. The look in your eye that day was different. Your wish to leave caused my desire to become a whisper of rage. It grew with each day that passed. You watched me lose my dignity when you admitted that you didn’t feel the same. The shadows of my past aggression taunted me every time you refused me. You made me turn to them.

Now, I could almost laugh at my foolishness.

Almost.

I am a warlord. You must have known how I would try and prove myself to you. When all else had failed. You saw me in torment. Trying to find the reason that would make you stay. To abandon your quest. You said I scared you. You retreated to those that had accompanied you. You avoided my company. Sleep eluded me. Rest was something that taunted me. My body ached but my mind was full of you. You were there every time I closed my eyes. But you were always walking away. You never once looked back.

You called me cruel when I told you of my plan to avenge you. You said I was a warmonger. You said I didn’t love you. But loved the feeling of power. Of control. You screamed at me to stop as I schemed to kill those who had destroyed your lands. You didn’t want vengeance. You didn’t want me mistaking your pain for permission. But the urge to punish them was something borne from the shame I felt inside. I told my soldiers it was justice. I called it strategy. I told them it was for the honour of the kingdom. It was not. You never heard the truth I avoided. That you were hurt, and I couldn’t bear it.