I Didn't Need Your Fire After All

You made me believe that I’d never stand in this room again, in this tower, yet here I am, where it all began. You said that my magic was at its brightest when I stood beside you, as if I were a candle and you were the one who struck the match and gave me life. But now, I can see that whilst my guttering flame danced in your presence, in that same moment it was also trembling with trepidation. Scared of what was to come, and too naïve to ask. You made me feel special, chosen, the only one.

You let me believe that the light inside of me was something you had given, a gift I could not refuse, and I admit now that I wanted that more than anything. You thought in that moment that you had convinced me to owe you for my life, for as long as I breathed. I didn’t question it. I didn’t question you. You bound me with nothing more than the way you said my name, your voice settling over me like a veil of light, soft but absolute. From the first moment that you spoke to me, something inside folded its wings and obeyed your every word, after all, isn’t that how a master and apprentice should be? But now you must sense the stirrings of those wings unfurling. I have grown, and whilst that growth is something you may try to curtail, it will not, and has not been subdued. I know now that there has always been a part of me that you couldn’t reach, the part of me that no magic could ever alter and this realisation has caused a shift in me. And maybe that’s why I’m here now, speaking into the quiet space you’ve left behind, trying to understand how I ever mistook your fire for my own.

You are not here to answer me, so I speak to the hint of incense that’s still in the air, and the dust motes that flutter and float. We both know that you were never very good at staying when the truth got close enough to touch, it repelled you just like heat would. But yet I didn’t come here to accuse you. I came because I needed to say my truth to you, to say it out loud in this place where those first feelings were born, even if the only thing listening is the echo of what we used to be, what we could have been. You may never be given the chance to answer, but that is how it should be, for even if you did, the time has passed when I would listen.

You relied on the fact that I repeatedly mistook your certainty for my reality, allowing your voice to drown out the quiet worries inside of me, reassuring me that all was well. You packaged your commands and the oppression into love, until I believed that’s what it was; and I desperately wanted it to be so. I let you have my body just as much as I surrendered my mind, it was new to me and the excitement of the union between us dulled my senses even further. You were confident in the belief that I would have done anything for you, and why not, I never gave you any reason to think otherwise. You watched me make myself small, you knew you didn’t need to acknowledge my desires, but now the part of me that once bent towards you is standing tall again, and for the first time, I’m not leaning towards you, your reasons are redundant and my stance is steady. You cannot shape me by your words, your influence or your temper; not anymore. You thought I would always comply, but you didn’t understand that you were attempting to manipulate something that couldn’t be controlled, the very essence of my being, my spirit, my soul.